UPDATE #1 – April 9, 1PM

Since writing yesterday, you have nursed ineffectively (a couple minutes) about 3 times in 24 hours, with your last nursing now 7 hours ago. I’ve offered you the breast 4 times since then. This is well on its way to becoming a full on nursing strike.

UPDATE #2 – April 9, 7PM

After doing some more research, I decided to not wait any longer and go ahead and spoon feed you some expressed milk. (We’re supposed to avoid bottles if we have any chance of getting back to nursing.) I tried one last time to offer you the source, and you flat out screamed at me. I got you to take about an ounce from a spoon (also tried a sippy cup which you thought was a bottle and got very upset when you couldn’t figure out how to get it to come out) whining and fussing the whole time. So, I broke down and gave you some squash. Then, I tried again and got you to take another ounce with much less fussing. So, as counter intuitive as it is, I guess it may be true that waiting until you’re ravenous is probably not the best way to get you to eat (which is what the experts I’ve read claimed).  Anyway, it was a long process, but I know you got at least most of 2 ounces in you. So, I’ll continue to pump every time you’re supposed to eat and don’t (as I have been for the past 4 days), and I’ll keep offering you the source and – if you refuse –  the spoon.

According to what I’ve read, nursing strikes (if that’s truly what this is) can last from a day to a week. I’m going to take this one hour and a time. I can’t believe the havoc this is wrecking on my emotions. This is very hard. I feel rejected and like I did something wrong. And I’m worried about you. And I’m sad. And I’m frustrated. And I want to know what’s wrong! And fix it!!

UPDATE #3 – April 11, 12PM

What a difference a day (or two) makes! I actually went out and bought formula and bottles. I was THAT concerned about you. Now, two days later. WaaaaaLA! You are a different baby. Or maybe I’m a different Momma. I was really broken there for a day or two. A lot of people were praying for us. I don’t know how else to explain the change that’s taken place except as a testament to the power of prayer.

You never did end up getting any formula. When you wouldn’t nurse, I pumped and fed you with a spoon. When you wouldn’t take the spoon, I gave you bottles of breast milk (against advice). I was so concerned that you were not going to stay hydrated. It has been above 100 degrees for the past few days. Every time we go anywhere your hair gets all sweaty. We don’t live in a typical climate. We need more fluids here than most, so I was especially concerned and figured that the rules must be different for us. Your health is the most important thing after all. We took it one feeding at a time.

Then you woke up yesterday morning, and – *poof*- you were all about nursing again.

To keep things real, I have to include another piece of information that might be relevant. I did cut my caloric intake fairly drastically a little over 2 weeks ago. And I think it did affect my milk supply some.  When I noticed, I pumped regularly and upped my caloric intake until things seemed back to normal. This kind of coincided with our dramatic increase in nursing drama. So, maybe you just got especially frustrated because you had to work harder and were getting a little less for a couple days. I don’t know. I know that you would have gotten enough milk had you been willing to work for it, but then you’re very sensitive to having to work hard for your food. Maybe that contributed to bringing on your mini-strike? Or maybe the flavor of my milk changed because of the increase in fruits and veggies in my diet? That seems unlikely to me since you had no problem drinking the stuff from a bottle, and I have always eaten a lot of produce.  Anyway, just wanted to be fair and admit that perhaps I could have contributed to your frustration.

Whatever the cause for its onset and whatever the cause for its resolution, I am extremely grateful for the past day. We have clicked again. I have felt very close to you, like we came out of a traumatic ordeal more closely knit because of our shared experience.

Phew. You’re still impatient. You still squirm and hit and kick and fuss, but that is FINE with me! As long as you are EATING and not MAD! So we have a reprieve from the Num Num Wars for the moment.  Thank you, Jesus.

Being a Momma sure keeps me on my toes.

It’s been 7 months, baby. Seven wonderful months. I’ve tried to convey in this blog how much I love you, how great it is to be your Momma. I have so many good days with you, so many wonderful moments, so many highs. That’s what I want to come through when I write to you because it’s the truth, the bulk of our relationship.

But sometimes it’s hard. We have our challenges, especially one. I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that we do hit roadblocks every now and then. There are tears, yours and mine. We do struggle. And most of those struggles have to do with one thing. Feeding you. More specifically nursing you.

I was ready to face challenges. I think – us modern day moms, with the emphasis that’s given these days to the importance of breastfeeding – we’re prepared to some extent. We’re prepped to expect problems at the beginning – problems latching on and engorgement and the like. We didn’t have any of the problems that I expected. I did have to get past the first couple weeks of soreness, but you never had and problems latching on. In fact, the first time I fed you, a couple hours after you were born, I hardly had to do anything. You knew just want to do. And it was like that, for about 2 months.

For the past 5 months since that turning point, it’s grown increasingly challenging. You don’t like to work for your food. You have grown increasingly impatient with the pause between latching and let down. What should take less than 30 seconds, ends up taking sometimes 10 minutes of stressful battle.

It’s not always terrible. It depends on your mood. Actually I’m sure it depends on my mood too. We’re in this together after all. Sometimes it’s easier to relax and to be patient with you. Sometimes the frustration of it all gets to me a little, and I’m sure you can sense it.

I have tried everything – positioning, talking, encouraging, cuddling, singing, rocking, location, ambience, waiting until you’re super hungry, staying ridiculously hydrated, pumping to increase my supply, not pumping just in case pumping was affecting my let down, feeding on a schedule, feeding on demand, feeding you food before nursing, feeding you food only after nursing, PRAYING. We have good times and bad times, sometimes good days and bad days. But the older you get, the more you assert your personality, the more you are capable of conveying your frustration, your wants, needs, anger sometimes. And it becomes more and more difficult to not let it upset me now that you’re actually communicating with me rather than crying just because you’re a baby. You tell me you’re unhappy now, and I don’t want you to be unhappy.

And then there’s the worry. Women who don’t nurse their kids often say that they “couldn’t,” that nothing came out, that the babies weren’t getting enough. That might be the medical reality for some. But I’m realizing more and more that we all feel that way sometimes, whether or not we continue nursing or not. It’s stressful. Worrying about you getting enough food consumes a lot of my energy. It’s constantly on my mind. I can’t see how much you’re actually swallowing. All I can see is the wet diapers. But then that only gives me a fuzzy idea about whether or not it’s “enough,” and doesn’t tell me anything about the quality of what you’re drinking, if you’re getting enough nutrients.

 I understand why formula is so tempting. You follow the instructions, measure it out, administer, and you know that you’re little one is getting what she needs in the amounts she needs. No worries. It has tempted me almost every day since our battles began. But it has been my heart’s desire to give you the best. Breast milk is best. Formula isn’t bad, but it isn’t the superior option.

And I loved the IDEA of nursing, of being the one who supplies your food. The cuddling. The special bond. And I do love all of that, when it’s that way. But it’s just not that way for us most of the time. I feel like I got tricked. Like I said before, I was prepared for difficulties to arise at the beginning, but I wasn’t ready for THIS. At 7 months old, it’s still high drama at least 75% of the time I try to feed you. There is nothing EASY (or natural even) about breastfeeding, and everyone who told me it would be obviously never breastfed you.

We’ve been surviving for the past 5 months. But the last couple days, on top everything, you are beginning to refuse to nurse. You will be obviously hungry and asking for food, and you will turn your head away from me and cry. I can usually get you to nurse still if I coax you and coax you and coax you and wait out the perfunctory wails and hitting and kicking and punching and grabbing and pinching and back arching and rolling around.  But the length for which you will nurse is growing shorter and shorter as well. I don’t know how you can possibly be getting sufficient meals in the 5 or so minutes you’re willing to work at it every 4 hours or so.

So now I’m wondering, when does what is best for you become something other than what I thought it would be, namely breastfeeding you? At some point doesn’t your emotional well-being factor into what is best for you? Doesn’t my emotional well-being factor in too, in an admittedly less important way? Do we really need to have this source of contention between us? And shouldn’t you be able to ENJOY eating? Does it really have to be this stressful for you? And for me?

And lastly, how much of my dedication to breastfeeding is really just about proving I can do it? I don’t do well with failure. This is something I had my mind made up about, and I have been set on this path. I have been committed. I don’t feel like anyone can understand how difficult it has been to stick with breastfeeding for this long, just how much commitment it has taken. I am dedicated. I am strong-willed. I am determined. I have many faults, but giving up easily is not one of them.

It would be hard for me to start giving you formula, after all this time. I don’t know how to make it not feel like giving up. I haven’t made up my mind yet, but I am thinking about it seriously. I’m going to spend the next few days giving it one more concerted effort. I’m going to keep at it, watch the weight of your dirty diapers, and pray.

When you were born, my goal was to breastfeed you for 3 months. When we made it to 3 months, I gave us until 6. When we made it to 6, I decided we should go all the way. One year old. That’s where I want to get to. But I think for now, I’m just going to have to be content to take it one day at a time, with a renewed commitment to do whatever turns out to be best for you, even if that turns out to be something other than what I thought it would be. Even if it means the dreaded F word.

(Formula… if you didn’t get it.)

I love you, baby. We’re going to figure this out.