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As I sit and think about what I want to say to you on your 5th birthday, I feel big feelings. You bring that out in me. I think I bring it out of you too. Neither you or I are very good at hiding how we feel. It’s a weakness and a strength, and a constant reminder how much we need Jesus. Feeling big feelings comes with having a big heart. And you have one. A huge one. It loves and it fights fiercely. You have strong opinions to go along with your strong feelings and this year has been challenging. For you and for me. I have decided that you’re my very own Nanny McPhee, mirroring to me my own jagged attitudes and areas of warty growth that need to be excised from my life. You are my iron sharpening iron. And we are figuring it out together. We are changing together. We are learning to submit and rely on the Lord together. We have a long way to go. You are going to do great things, son. You have so much strength, iron in your blood. You are so little still, and yet I already see you seeking to master it, to get it under control. We are learning to stop and think through the consequences of our actions together, to make decisions based on the outcomes we want, and not the immediate gratification of giving into strong feelings. It’s hard! Our connection comes from our shared struggle. I feel kinship with you, son. My soul is kindred with yours. And I love your heart so much, it’s big WILDNESS. It’s huge expanse and reckless spontaneity. You are one of a kind, and I am so lucky to be your Mom. I will always be here, your biggest fan, doing my best to be a better example of surrender and fruit-bearing, of abiding and loving. I will always be here loving you. No matter what. It’s easy to love you. You are precious to me. Every day is an adventure with you. Every day is a surprise. Every day is a challenge requiring multiple cups of coffee and as much Jesus as I can find. We fail. We get up. We learn. We try again. And we will work every day for the rest of the days you have in our home, praying for God’s Spirit and His wisdom’s rule in both our lives. We will search for it as treasure. We will fight to stay on the path that leads to life and flourish by the streams of living water. I feel the weight of the responsibility and I feel the joy of the immeasurable honor.
On to more lighthearted things…
You like to build Legos with Daddy. Your typical creation is some kind of scooter or car. You love the little weird pieces best and insert them in random places. If they move, even better. If it has a hook, it’s the best. You like to string together things. You find random rubber bands, strings, shoe laces, ropes, belts, whatever you can find and use them to create things hooked to things. You love garbage. Yes. Garbage. I am forever stopping you from picking up nasty things off the ground. In the Dr’s office yesterday you picked up a used mask off the floor before I could stop you. You were so disappointed when I made you throw it away and promptly doused you hand-sanitizer. At sissy’s soccer practices you will collect everything you can find on the fields… socks, boxes, random plastic pieces, wrappers, cigarette boxes, straws, whatever… and make little treasure piles. There is always a haggling session before we go home. I say you can take 3 things home (dirty socks and empty Chapstick tubes are never on the table however), you bargain for 5. You have a box under your bed full of your treasures. We try to keep it as non-nasty as possible (nothing that has held food or spit.) It’s pretty adorable really. You are brave when it comes to people. You’re not shy. You’re brave when it comes to pain. You didn’t even shed one tear when you got your vaccines yesterday (you did get a little mad for a few minutes.) You’re not so brave when it comes to scary rides. The list of rides you will no longer go on at Disneyland has grown longer. Your new 42 inches were tried out last week, and you have vowed never to do Splash Mountain again. That falling feeling. You are not a fan. You have moved past trains for the most part. I don’t think I’ve seen you play with them for over a year. But you still love your trucks and cars. Mostly, you just love random bits of toys you can put together in your own ways. If you can customize it, it has your heart. If you can put it inside of something else, you will carry it around for days at a time. You’re still learning your letters and numbers. You love bath time and will lay in the water with your head bobbing up and down until the water grows cold. You are grown attached to 2 particular stuffed animals, “Wolfy” and “Baby Seal.” I’ve tried to get you to name them something more original, but those are the monikers you are sticking with. You take them everywhere. Feed them. Sleep with them. Make them talk to us and give us kisses. They have become a regular part of our family. I need to remember to get a picture. Sometimes it feels like your pickiness with food will never end in its constant slide toward nothingness. But you do still love your fruits, almost all of them. (Although you have suddenly decided to stop eating bananas which I find upsetting.) You love your carrots and tomatoes and bell peppers, but have stopped eating most other green veggies. You continue to hate cheese, the WORST dislike you have, because the rest of us love it and cheese is in so many good recipes. I will win you over yet! You have continued to accept Tillamook pre-sliced yellow medium cheddar. Only that kind. You call it “square cheese.” You used to eat most nuts, now you will only eat pecans (and peanut butter, thank God.) I offer you everything constantly. I will never again judge another parent with a picky child. It is not my fault. It is who you are. You have very particular likes and dislikes. And some of it is more than preference. You often involuntarily gag when you try new things. Can’t fake that. And you are pretty good about trying things at least once. You tried cooked spinach this week (and promptly hacked it up.) When given a flavor choice, you will always pick chocolate. Always. Unless maybe there is some kind of lollipop. You love the hard candy and you rarely get it. You love to watch me play Zelda, just like your sister. You both like it better than watching TV. It’s funny, and I can’t complain. You love to tell me where to go and what to do. You love finding new weapons. You get so upset my weapons stash is full and I can’t pick up one we run across. The more magic powers it has (fire, thunder, ice), the more is sparkles, the bigger it is, the better. You surprise me with your random singing. You started singing “Blackbird” after hearing in it “Boss Baby” a few times yesterday. You have great pitch. It’s sweet. Your smile is still one of my favorite things about you. You smile more than anybody I know. I hope you never lose that glow. And your cuddles are the best. We still “rock a bit” every night, and sometimes midday too. You almost never sit on my lap anymore. You prefer to sit beside me with my arm around you and my head on your head. It’s still sweet, but it’s breaking my heart that my lap has gotten too small. You played soccer again this season. You did loads better than last year. You do what your coaches tell you more than 50% of the time. The rest of the time you’d rather find cool things to pick up off the grass. You do run toward the ball when you think about it. And you’ll kick the ball every once in a blue moon. I think we’ll take a break for another year and come back to it after your last game next weekend. If you get to pick a TV show (off Netflix, we don’t watch TV), it’s usually Magic School Bus or Mario Brothers. You have a special relationship with your Daddy. You respect him in a unique way. It’s cool to watch. You’re blessed to have such a smart, loving, kind Father. Your relationship with Adela is antagonistic. You love to annoy her into whining fits. You take great pleasure in breaking her down, giggling all the way. We’re working on that. But for the most part you guys play miraculously well together. The things you come up with are amusing… make believe the way I remember playing make believe. It pays to keep the television off (and you don’t have ipads either.) You definitely find things to do when you have no other choice. Well, I’m sure there’s more, but it’s time to go pick up sissy from school.
Here’s to another year. The year you turned 5. Wow. Big kid with a big heart. I love you so much, Bear.
We spent your birthday at home sick. We celebrated early last week with a 2 day trip to Disneyland. You started the day with a lot of balloons and all your favorite snacks, including chocolate cereal for breakfast. Later you and Daddy shared a cake and we carved/painted pumpkins and some other harvesty crafts. It was a simple family day. The best kind.