The Tranmer Family Scrapbook » snapshots of our daily life, in words and photos

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36 Weeks

I  have to be honest, little man. I’m getting nervous about your arrival. We are ready for you in theory. Your room is ready. Your clothes are ready. We’ve been parents before. We’ve been through labor and delivery before. We’ve had a newborn before. I don’t know how it is that all that seems to matter very little when faced with the looming reality that we are going to be parents of two in just a few short weeks, and that we have to make it through labor and delivery and survive the newborn months all over again.

I think it’s scarier this time. I don’t remember being afraid before your sister was born. Nervous I think… a little. But this time, I’m actually battling fear. Because I’m remembering the hardest moments. I just hope I can do it again. I know I can. I know that Daddy will help me. And God will help me. We will survive. And it will be every bit as worth it as it has been every day of your sister’s life.

It’s just, I don’t like pain. And I don’t like being sleep-deprived. And I know those 2 things are looming. I’m having a moment of weakness right now. And that’s why I wanted to sit down and write to you, to remind myself that you are a little person, my son, a whole life of potential who I am going to love and raise and support and be challenged and surprised and overjoyed by my entire life.

You’re not just looming pain and sleeplessness. I’m sure that sounds awful – the fact that I need to remind myself of it – but I really need a moment to focus on you and remember how indescribably sweet it’s going to be to hold you in my arms, to find out what you look like, to watch you grow up and discover what your personality is like, to catch your first real smile, and see you learn to sit up, to discover what color your eyes will be, and what being a mom to a little boy is like. I’m an emotional wreck right now thinking about all of it. It’s overwhelming, the fear and the anticipation, the good and the bad.

The pain and the sleeplessness, they pass. You will be in my life forever. I just want to be strong for you. I have to remember what I’m battling for. I want to be the best mom I can be, despite my feelings of inadequacy at the moment. A moment of weakness. It’s important you know that we have those moments, and it’s okay. We’ll get through this, me and you and Daddy and ‘Dela.

It’s getting real, son. I know that I know that you are God’s most precious gift to me, you and the rest of our family. Our lives will never again be the same.

xoxo, Momma

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