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It’s almost the end of another month. I didn’t write last month. Don’t want to let another one go by because you’re changing so fast and my heart is so full. We bought a video camera a few days ago. Finally. I’m so glad we finally did it. Now, if I can just remember to turn it on every now and then… 🙂 I do my best to write things down and take as many pictures are possible, but there are some things that I wish I could tattoo on my mind about the way you are right now at 2 and a half. There’s so much, and it seems like when I do sit down to type, it’s hard to remember all the things that have made my heart swell, that have made me smile, that have challenged me to be a better person and rely on the Lord for more strength and more patience and more wisdom. You are my miracle, my precious girl, my constant reminder of God’s great compassion and how he redeems hopelessness, how he satisfies our desires with good things. You are such a good thing in my life. Such a hugely good thing. I love you so much.
I have to be honest, I’m little scared about how things are going to change once we have another little one around. In just a few short months, you’re going to be a big sister. I know you’ll do great. And I’m so excited for you to have a sibling to grow up with. It will be another huge blessing, equal to you I’m sure. But it’s hard to imagine. And things are so fun right now. You’ve become a little girl who interacts, who participates, who is independent and interesting. You’ve grown up. Obviously, you have a long way to go. But you’re not a baby anymore. It’s a little intimidating the thought of starting over again with your little brother. But we’ve gotten you this far, by the grace of God. I know Daddy and I can do it again. And this time, we’ll have your help too, right? 🙂
I love you for your so many reasons. You are soulful. You are deep and intuitive and compassionate and empathetic. You have eyes that go straight into the depths of your heart. You are such a big person in a little body. You make everything more fun, more challenging too, and more time-consuming, but more fun. I love how you love to help me do anything and everything. You love to be involved. We have fun doing the most mundane of tasks. We can be entertained doing anything together. Right now, you’re in the bathtub in the Extended Stay in Mukilteo where we’re staying while Daddy works, entertaining yourself happily while I listen. You helped me do laundry this morning. This afternoon we’ll probably go walk on the beach and get an ice cream cone. Living life is more fun with you. And I’m a person who prizes my alone time. I’m not saying it’s never challenging. It is. Sometimes I’m impatient. I’m not a perfect mother.
But I thank God for helping me to maintain a perspective of just how short and fleeting childhood is. When I lose sight of it, he brings me back. I grab on to it when I feel it slipping away from me, when the business of life and my own priorities start taking over. And I have been finding a better balance with work and family these past few months. It is like salve for my soul. It is so GOOD to not be stressed out with things outside the family that should be my first earthly priority. I feel so much more freedom to do the job of being wife and mother, and it is good. Simple but true. Life is Good.
I love hanging out with you (and so does Daddy). And it’s more than just because you’re my daughter. You are an awesome little person, an individual and I am so proud of you in so many ways. I like you for who you are, and who you are becoming. I’m sure the feelings are intensified because you are my flesh and blood and because I’ve lived every day of the past 2 and a half years with you in it, an integral part of every day of my life. But I would love you just the same, even if it wasn’t blood that tied us.
Because of the things I’ve already mentioned before and much more. You amaze me constantly. You have a heart that wants to please. You say “No” as much as any toddler I would imagine. But your “Nos”, as adamant as they may sound, are always negotiable. I love that you are not strong-willed for the sake of it, that immovability, of needing your own way just because it is. You are thoughtful about your choices and you seek out the end result of any action you decide to take. You are wise for a 2 year old. And I mean that. I appreciate that so much about you. You aren’t a pushover, but you are far from hard-headed.
Your aim to please, your good heart, makes you obedient as well. We went to Seattle yesterday and left the stroller in the car as we usually do unless we are on a particular and time-constrained sort of mission. You walked all over the waterfront and Pike Place with us, in and out of shops, holding my hand whenever I asked you to, when the crowds got too thick or we had to cross a street, coming whenever we called, not touching things when we told you not to, and having fun in between all the restrictions. I’m sorry, but I do not think that is normal. I don’t know any 2-year-olds that are allowed free reign like you are in public places and EARN the right like you do. Not saying you never test the boundaries. Of course you do, but 95% of the time, you are 95% angel in public places, on your own 2 feet with your hands unbound, exercising your own self-control, listening to what we say you can and can’t do. I am proud of you every time I take you out in public. Also, not saying you never make a scene. You do. We purposed from the beginning that we would never be cowed into compromising just to save a scene, save face, or keep you quiet. We are the boss and you know it. Episodes like that never last long. You always give in. When given a choice between 2 options of my choosing, you choose, and usually wisely.
It makes me wonder how different your brother might be. I feel like just as we figure one thing out, you grow up more and we have to figure out new things. Now that we feel like we have ages 0-2 figured, your brother is going to come on the scene and be his own little person and make us relearn everything. 🙂 But I look forward to it.
You still love your alone time/nap time in the afternoons. You stay content in your crib for 2-3 hours every afternoon sleeping and/or reading, talking to yourself, playing with your blankets. Still one of my favorite things about you… that you let every naptime and every bedtime be a pleasant experience, something sweet and looked forward to, free of tears, fears and drama. We go to the library every few weeks now and pick out a huge stack of new books to read before sleeptimes. With every batch you invariably find 1 that is your favorite and ask to be read that particular book every time. Generally, you have really great taste, so I don’t mind reading them over and over again. You’re having to sit next to me on the chair now since your brother is taking up more and more of my lap. But you like it. I think you feel grown up sitting on your own.
Some other cute things you’re doing this month…
You’re starting to actually sing, still no recognizable tunes or words to any real songs, but you love to carry around Elmo’s microphone and bounce up and down while you do what you do which is something like singing.
Daddy taught you to say “bum” and you use it all the time. Sometimes you’ll come up behind me and start slapping my rear end and chant “bum, bum, bum.” Daddy also taught you that Jeffrey smells like “poop” and it comes out of his “bum.” This is why God gives every child 2 parents, one male, one female. There are some things that Daddies do better than Moms. You are obsessed with ouchies (“yeowies”). You get a new one every 5 minutes or so and you make sure we know it, repeatedly, until we distract you. One of your other big words is “hehl” (help). You hehl us with everything. And you need hehl all the time. Dramatic improvement in the whining department when you finally learned that word (been teaching it to you for months). We’ve just started the remodel of our downstairs, adding a bedroom for your little brother and updating the kitchen. You “helh-ed” us choose paint colors and empty the cabinets, and then you “helh-ed” make sure the kitchen cabinets were empty.
Your other favorite phrase right now is “wuh moh” (one more). ALL THE TIME. There is always “wuh moh” of everything. One more bite, one more ring around the rosy, one more cartoon, one more book, one more of anything and everything you like. And it’s never actually just one more. There is always just one more. The way you say it is flippin’ adorable. You hold up one finger and kind of pump it out in front of you repeatedly with your eye brows up in a very matter of fact tone. In this instance you wanted to help me move “wuh moh” piece of laundry from the washer to the dryer.
You’re increasingly independent. You wash your own hands, brush your own teeth (but we still help to make sure we get them all), get into your own carseat, entertain yourself.
And you’re still working on your letters and numbers. There’s been a huge improvement in counting this month. You can count to 10, almost. Four gives you a hard time. And eight, I think. The rest you can usually get.
We did a few fun things in the past couple of months. Mother’s day and Father’s day both happened. We took you and Mima to see the Young Americans sing and dance (your first theater experience was a big hit!) on Mother’s day and on Father’s day you presented Papi and Daddy with ties you made.
And we took you to the Grubstake Days Parade, Yucca Valley’s yearly Memorial Day parade. We saved a good parking spot on the highway with Daddy’s truck and then went and bought doughnuts and coffee. We watched the parade from the bed of the truck, a sweet family memory.
I love you, my girl. Kisses from your Momma. Love from the deepest places in my heart.
…
Today is the next day, the day after I wrote the above portion of this post. I’m sitting down to write again because there is something else very important about parenthood that I want you to understand. Every day isn’t easy, not for you and not for me. As wonderful as it is, and as true as everything I wrote yesterday is, some days are just tough. Today has been one of those challenging, verging on epic failure kind of days for me as a mother. It’s no one’s fault. I’m tired and you’re tired and we’re cooped up in a hotel room while it pours rain outside. We’re not used to the gloom I suppose. For whatever reason everything today has been a challenge. EVERYthing. I had to put you in the naughty chair twice just to get you dressed. You would not listen. You thought it was a game. Usually you would listen. Usually if you were in a goofy mood, I’d go along with it and find a creative solution. Today neither one of us had it in us. You have cried about anything and everything, made scenes in public, refused to eat the food you said you wanted, refused to drink the juice I bought specially just for you because you asked for it. Nothing that usually works has worked today. I’m exhausted. I had planned on taking you to see a movie today, your first big screen experience, a fun big girl’s day out. The gigantic mall theatre with 16 screens wasn’t showing it (Brave, the #1 cartoon in theatres right now). In order to figure that out, we had to park a mile away in the mall parking lot and walk because every other method I tried to find out showtimes failed me (even technology was against us today). And by the time I had attempted to feed you (and you had refused to eat, instead throwing multiple fits), the movie times were all wrong for any theatre anywhere nearby. We decided to scrap it and head back to the room (with you crying), both of us beat. On the way in, I spilled a cup of coffee all over my newly laundered sweatshirt and vest (the ones I spend 5 bucks on to do 1 load here in the hotel yesterday), demolishing the foyer floor and swearing in front of three front desk people.
Now you are in bed with me watching a movie on the DVD player, eating M&Ms, despite your refusal to eat lunch or listen to anything I asked you to do today. Like I said, not my number 1 parenting day. You are at least content for the moment, even if it goes down as a win for you. I’m going to finish this up and watch netflix beside you with my earphones. It feels good just to be at peace beside you, no crying, no conflict, no cajoling, no bargaining. It’s be back to normal tomorrow I’m sure. But not every day is perfect. It’s important that you know that’s okay too. There is good and bad, challenges, triumphs and failure amid all the sunshine and daisies. Sometimes the stars don’t align and we get at each other. But the love never changes, and all of this just goes to remind me how much I need the Lord in my life and how my own efforts are always futile. I don’t have the strength in myself to be the perfect parent. Days like today are a part of being human and fallible and learning to be a first-time parent. And I still love you as much today as I did yesterday. I’m just going to love you in a different way today, by feeding you chocolate and plopping you in front of a TV until I can get my act together and we have a chance to re-set this day. For now it’s enough to watch that sweet smile light up your face while you watch “Doggies” (Lady and the Tramp, your current favorite). Maybe it’s a win after all. Kisses, baby.